So far we’ve addressed only the kinds of interactions where adult-kid relationships have been fairly positive.  We’ve talked about numerous ways in which the adults in our community can be really helpful to our TYG’s.  The conflicts we have looked at all came about either because of a reasonable difference of opinion or because of a lack of foresight.

But sometimes that’s not the issue.  Sometimes we have to confront situations in which something has really gone wrong:  either we have made a significant mistake, or  we believe that our adult leadership has made a significant mistake. 

When a member of your adult leadership makes a mistake:
Unfortunately, from time to time this does happen.  Everyone has lapses in judgment, and sometimes downright bad decisions get made.  It’s hard when we have to face the results when adults make these kinds of decisions, because as high schoolers we don’t have a lot of power to fix anything.  Nevertheless, there are things we can do.   Here are some suggestions.

• Before you do anything else, make sure you have all the information that is available.  Find out what happened, why it happened, how it happened, and who was responsible.  You won’t be able to do anything productive if you only have partial information.
• Unless the conflict you’re having is with your advisor, it’s probably best to let your advisor know what’s going on before you do anything else.  Your advisor is supposed to be an advocate for your TYG, and that’s really hard to do if s/he doesn’t know what’s going on!
• If  you feel comfortable doing so, talk to the person whose actions upset you.  It may have been an accident, or they may not know that they upset you or your TYG.  Hopefully, once you tell them, they will be willing to apologize.  They may also be willing to help find a solution.
• If you don’t feel comfortable having that conversation on your own, think about asking someone else to come with you, for example a parent or another TYG youth leader.
• If it’s a problem that is too big to be resolved by just having a conversation, then you need to find some outside adult support.  If you’re concerned about your rabbi, talk to your advisor.  If you’re concerned about your advisor, talk to your rabbi.  Make sure you know the president of the board, the executive director, or some other leader at your temple ahead of time, so that you already have some built in contacts.
• Remember that the temple staff and board have to maintain a level of professionalism.  Under ordinary circumstances, they are required to support each other’s decisions.  Therefore, you might not get the kind of answer or response that you want right away.  Always expect to have two meetings:  one where you explain the nature of the problem as you understand it, and a second after they have had a chance to follow up on what you said.
• Try not to complain to people who aren’t involved.  You will likely have to work with these adults again, so creating bad feelings in the community won’t be helpful in the long run.
• Remember that accusing someone of making a mistake is serious.  Don’t do it lightly.  Also, you need to be prepared to remain calm and to explain rationally what has happened and why it has presented a problem.
• Ultimately, you should never be held responsible for an error made by an adult.  If something goes wrong, you deserve help in making sure that it gets resolved and doesn’t happen again.

When a TYG or a youth grouper makes a mistake:
These cases may seem worse than when someone else makes the mistake, but in many ways they are easier to handle.   When you’re the one who made the mistake, you can take responsibility for your own actions, and you have more control over making sure that the same thing doesn’t happen again in the future.  At the same time, dealing with the problem itself can be hard; it’s not always easy to talk to the adults around us, especially when we’ve done something wrong.  Here are some bullet points to keep in mind.

• Remember point number V from before:  be honest; it really is the best policy.
• Try to find out everyone who may have been negatively affected by the mistake, and give them a sincere and genuine apology.  It never hurts to do this both in person and in writing.  Also, apologizing before you’re asked is always better than apologizing after you’re asked.
• Be willing to forgive yourself and your peers.  We all make mistakes.  It’s better to learn from them and move forward than to get caught up in guilt or blame.
• Help your adult leadership to remember and understand that part of being in high school is making mistakes and learning from them.  Explain honestly why you made the mistake – how it happened – and what you have learned from it.  Then, explain to them how you will make sure that it won’t happen again.  (This is much better than just telling them that it won’t happen again and expecting them to believe you.)
• Be willing to ask for help to make sure that it doesn’t happen again.  This indicates to the adult leadership that you sincerely want to improve.
• After you’ve done everything else, accept whatever short term consequences may be imposed on you.  You probably won’t like them.  That’s the point.  The adults around you feel like they have a responsibility to make you accountable for your actions.  They often think that the best way to do that is by penalizing you in some way.  You may agree or you may disagree, but you won’t change their minds.

In Conclusion:
By thinking ahead about whom your actions will affect, and by looking at every situation from the perspectives of each of these people, you can maximize the success of your interactions with them.  We hope that some of these strategies are helpful to your TYG and your adult interactions this year.  May all of them be positive! 

Remember that if you ever have a question that wasn’t addressed in this packet, you have lots of resources available to you:  your regional board, your regional advisor, all of the other advisors in the region, your parents, and the very adults at temple whom you have to interact with!

Happy youth grouping…